Aug. 15, 2024

Scrupulosity

Scrupulosity

I discuss the psychological disorder known as scrupulosity

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I discuss the psychological disorder known as scrupulosity

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Looking at our world from a theological perspective. This is

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the Theology Central podcast, making Theology Central.

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Wow. It feels like it's been ten years since I've

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heard that, right? Should we play it again? Just one

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more time? Maybe we should play it just one more time.

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It feels like it's been so long. Let's play it.

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One more time, looking at our world from a theological perspective.

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This is the Theology Central podcast, making Theology Central.

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Wow, it's been so long. Good afternoon everyone. It is Thursday,

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August fifteenth, twenty twenty four. It is currently twelve thirty

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eight pm Central Time, and I am coming to you

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live from the Theology Central studio located right here in Abilene, Texas. Now,

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I was curious how long it would take before I

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started receiving emails with people asking, so when are you

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going to make another episode? Where have you been? What's

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going on? And today was the day. It took about

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a week today I started receiving those emails. So I

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wanted to do a broadcast one because I just desperately

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wanted to do one, but two so that I can

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just answer everyone's questions, you know, without having to respond

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to any emails. So this is the easiest way to

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do that, and because I just I'm just grateful that

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I have the opportunity to be here today. So first,

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thanks to anyone and everyone who has allowed me to

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be here today. I greatly appreciate all of that. Thanks

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to those who've emailed today asking where I have been.

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I'm not going to go through all the details. I'll

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just add I will just at least add this part.

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Many of you know I have a seizure disorder because

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of what happened to me in the United States military.

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Let's just say for the last week I have had

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a lot of seizure neurological related issues. That hasn't been

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the only issue, but that has been a major contributor

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to me not being able to do much of anything.

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I always worry after having a lot of seizure issues,

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because obviously that's impacting the brain. What's going to happen

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the next time I turn on the microphone? Right? There's

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always this feeling like, well, I wonder if I've done

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the last broadcast right, because obviously enough issues with the brain.

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You don't want to be in front of a microphone

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trying to talk if your brain is not operating. Correctly.

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So I'm always I'm very aware that, you know, how

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many seizures before it's over, how many more seizures before

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it's done. I always, in a sense, no, I'm somewhat

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unborrowed time I feel like I am. Maybe that's a

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little bit of hyperbole, but I always feel that way.

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So I'm glad that I'm here. And so that's what's

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been going on, at least one of the things that's

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been going going on. And I am grateful and thankful

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to anyone and everyone who has allowed me to be

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here today. And so let's see if we can get

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something accomplished.

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Now.

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Logic would dictate that I turn on the microphone and

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I do something simple, right, like maybe a Bible pop quiz,

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maybe a devotional message, maybe just a quick update about

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you know this, or maybe the new articles feature on

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the sermons on the Sermon Audio a beta website. If

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you go to beta dot sermon audio dot com and

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look up a broadcaster, they now have a section for

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every broadcaster to be able to post articles. So we

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could talk about that. I could just I could just

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kind of give you some you know, basic update over

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something small, you know, nothing big, that would be the

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way to ease myself back into broadcasting. Right, that would

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be smart, But I never do anything really the smart way.

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I want to jump into something very very serious. I

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think it may apply to some of the people who

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are listening. I think in some ways it should, because

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I think inside all of us there may be really

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two parts. So here's what we're going to do. We're

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gonna begin this first broadcast back maybe with an arts

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and craft project. Maybe okay, all right, maybe an art project,

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I don't know. I need you to grab a piece

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of paper, and I need you to draw a person, right,

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like a stick figure. Just make sure the middle of

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the person is big enough so that you can write

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a couple of things. Okay, all right, So make your

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stick person kind of large, right, but in the middle,

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I want you, in the middle of that stick person,

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I want you to draw a line from the top

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to the bottom, separating the insides of that stick person

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into two parts. Two parts, all right, And I want

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you to write on one side, maybe the left side,

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of your stick figure. I want you to write the

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word scrupulosity. Scrupulosity that is spelled scr up U l

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osi t y scrupulosity, scr up u losi t y scrupulosity.

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Are you familiar with that term? You may not be

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familiar with scrupulosity, but I am pretty sure there's a

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lot of you who suffer from it, and I am

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almost positive I definitely do or have. In fact, I

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feel like though with me, the stick figure may more

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represent me than it represents you, because I feel there's

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two parts of me. One side is greatly impacted with scrupulosity.

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It very much describes my character. But there's another part

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of me that is the opposite of scruple law. So

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on one side inside your stick figure, you've divided them

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in half. Right on the one side, and say the

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left side you write the word scrupulosity. On the other side,

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I want to put the word Antiinomianism, but Antinomianism has

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more of a philological implication, but it somewhat works here.

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So just because we're going to go with one word

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on one side, scrupulosity, the other side antiinomianism, Antiinomianism, and

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that is spelled A N TI n O M I

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A nism, scrupulosity and antiinomianism. See when when after I

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have a week of just all kinds of seizure issues,

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what do I do? I come back with something simple

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like scrupulosity and antiinomianism. I mean, that's what you do.

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You come back with the easy stuff, right, Okay, scrupulosity

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and antiinomianism. Let me spell that one more time. A

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N T I N O I A N I S M.

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Scrupulosity and antiinomianism. Now antiinomianism, let's define. Let's define both

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of these all right, Let's let's define both of us.

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Let's start with scrupulosity. Let's start with scrupulosity right now, antiinomianism.

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Let me just make it very clear. I'm not going

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with maybe the hardcore, very technical philological definition. I'm going

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to go with much more kind of a utilizing the

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concept and a specific way. So just I don't want

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someone emailing me going, hey, you weren't technically accurate. I'm

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trying to describe two very important ways in which people

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are impacted and in some ways affected by a certain

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way of thinking, a certain mindset, and we need to

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struggle with these, all right. So scrupulosity and antinomianism Scrupulosity

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is a psychological disorder. Scrupulosity is a psychological disorder. And

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so this is nothing to joke about. This is nothing

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to joke about at all, all right. If you have scrupulosity,

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I am sorry, because you are suffering and suffering deeply,

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all right, and it can cause a lot of problems.

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Scrupulosity is a psychological disorder characterize by obsessive concerns about

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moral and religious issues, often leading to compulsive behaviors aimed

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at alleviating these concerns. It is commonly considered a subtype

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of obsessive compulsive disorder, where the obsessions revolve around religious

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or moral perfect Individuals with scrupulosity may experience intense anxiety

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over their moral and spiritual state, often fearing that they

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are sinning or failing to meet religious or moral standards.

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Someone suffering from scrupulosity will constantly feel guilt and shame

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and humiliation and and and no matter what they do,

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if they do something right, they never it's never going

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to be right enough. And if they violate something just

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a little bit, they will become utter, They will slowly unravel,

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they will slowly fall apart emotionally, they will just look,

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it's serious. They will They'll start confessing anything and everything,

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may confess it in a way that does not even

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accurately represent what occurs because they are feeling an overwhelming

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sense of guilt. Scrupulosity is a nightmare to experience. You

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will well, you will have not only will the mental

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anguish push you over the edge. It can I think

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it can lead to physical problems and it's not. It

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is a nightmare. So inside some people, scrupulosity rules and rains,

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even if they not may not have the actual psychological disorder,

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even if it's not that, they just tend to function

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and operate more in the scrupulosity category. Right, So let

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me make it very clear, even if you don't have

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the psychological disorder, you may operate in the side of scrupulosity.

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Now the other side antinomianism, we could refer to this

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as moral laxity, all right. This is an attitude or

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belief that moral laws and ethical guidelines are not important

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or applicable, leading to kind of a disregarding of sin

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or a lack of concern for moral and space siritual accountability, say,

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scrupulosity is like, oh wait, I did this. Oh, I

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did this, I did this, I did this. I mess

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up here, I messed up. Fifteen years later, you'll still

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be like, I did this, I did that, five years later,

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ten years. You just are constant anxiety and worry and

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you never do enough and you try to overcompensate. My

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I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do this to

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make up for that, and it's just it's performance based,

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it's law based. It's a nightmare. It is horrible, and

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nobody wants to live under scrupulosity. Some people, again may

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not have the psychological disorder, but they operate in that

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way of thinking. Other people kind of have like, you

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know what, whatever, I'm going to do the best I can.

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Maybe if I mess up here, I'm not going to

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really feel too guilty about it. I'm not overly worried

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about it. They may utilize grace almost as an excuse

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for their sin, and they'll kind of operate in a moral,

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a very moral lax way. They're not really bothered by it.

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I didn't read my Bible in a week. Who really

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cares go to church? Maybe I may skip church, don't

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really care pray? Maybe maybe not Bible said, you haven't

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done it in six months, and I don't really care.

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They don't feel guilt, that don't feel shame. They're not

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really bothered by it. They're just like I do the best.

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I can't just get off my I don't care, I

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just leave me alone. I don't really, they're just very

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lax in it. Scrupulosity and moral laxity, or scrupulosity and antinomianism. Now,

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antinomianism has a much more technical definition than what I've given. Now,

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why after a week of not broadcasting would I come

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back talking about scrupulosity and antinomianism. Well, there could be

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a lot of reasons, because I have spent my life

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I feel, in a lot of ways experiencing the scrupulosity. Now,

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just let's make it very clearly. People who suffer from scrupulosity,

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they're not perfect. They do mess up, they do sin,

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but it but that that's because don't think this is

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just because someone has suffering from scrupulosity, they're always going

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to be perfect. No, they're just going to be living

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in a constant state of probably knowing that they're not perfect.

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And I've talked about my struggles with this and I

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and I may go into more detail because this is

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obviously going to turn into a series, but I've talked

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about that just at different times. I can remember failures

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that I made all the way back from the first

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month of being a Christian. I can remember every failure,

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every mistake, whether it was internal, whether it was external.

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I am oh man, I mean, I try to I

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try to be. I mean. One of the things I

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constantly say here in this podcast is that I'm I'm

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a sinner with a microphone, that I'm a failure. In fact,

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I've had people emailed me, You're you're obsessed with your failures.

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You just give it a rest already. But I constantly

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tell people about my own failures and my own and

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because I am so aware of them. Our discussion about,

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you know, law and grace, a gospel mindset, a grace

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mindset versus a law mindset. I've kind of talked about

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a little bit of this so I can relate to scrupulosity.

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Do I have the psychological disorder? There's times I think

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I do, But you know what, there's other times I'm like,

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I'm kind of an Antiinomian. I'm kind of morally relaxed,

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like I just don't. Maybe because I've become so tired

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and burnt out, then I just don't care. I don't.

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Maybe I struggle with both. Maybe there's a little bit

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of both in all of us. So this topic obviously

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would be something that I could talk about at any time.

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But during my week of not broadcasting, I came across

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an article that was published this week. It was published

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this week, and the headline was when spiritual disciplines took

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over my life. When spiritual disciplines took over my life. Now,

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when I saw the headline, my original thought was, Wow,

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your spiritual disciplines. You finally got to a point with

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your spiritual disciplines that it took over your life. Okay,

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I need to read this because I am not very

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good at this, because I was really struggling this week

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with the concept. Okay, let's just say this is the

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end of my podcast, So what is that going to

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mean for my spiritual life? Like I was doing a

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lot of soul searching about that, because whether this is

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right or whether this is wrong this podcast, I've said

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this so many times, this is not even really a

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I know this is wrong to say it's not even

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really about ministering to you guys as much as it's

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about ministering to myself. This is where I'm just kind

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of think about this. It's just a microphone where I

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sit in a study in a room trying to figure

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out my own spiritual life, right where I struggle with

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do I believe this? And do I believe that? And

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what about this? And what about that? And what about this?

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More so than trying to preach to you, it's more

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about you listening to me struggle with me. Right, So,

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but not a lot of people perceive it that way. Right.

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Their perception is, oh, he's he's No, I'm just a

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center with a microphone trying to figure it out. So

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if that was gone, then where does that take place?

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Do I just walk around an empty house going trying

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to do the same thing. But like it would like,

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I don't know, I don't, I don't know what happens

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to my I don't, I don't, I don't. Like there's

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a lot of things to that. So I was like, okay, well, okay,

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so maybe I will read this article because if the

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podcast has gone, how can I get to a point

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where the spiritual discipline so overtake my life that I

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even forget that I even had a podcast, right that

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I have been broadcasting for like thirty years. What you know,

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because basically, from the moment I became a Christian, I've

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had an immediate outlet to whatever I take in, I

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can immediately give out. Whether I'm teaching at a Christian school,

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whether I'm doing devotionals, Bible studies, teaching Sunday school, whatever

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the case, There's always been an outlet, Right. So with

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that outlet was gone, would I still be spiritually? Would

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I focus on spiritual disciplines?

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Like?

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What do I do? So? I was. I was immediately

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intrigued by the title because that's the way I was

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thinking when spiritual disciplines took over my life? But then

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I read what was underneath it understanding religious religious OCD.

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That's obsessive compulsive disorder understanding religious OCD. And then I

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was like, WHOA, this is not about like spiritual disciplines

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took over my life in a good way. This is

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an article about spiritual disciplines taking over your life and

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an obsessive compulsive disorder type way. I'm like, Oh, okay,

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all right, do I really want to read this is this,

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I'm like, Okay, religious OCD, religious OCD? Do I have

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religious OCD? Do I have religious OCD? So then I

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started asking myself, hmm, I wonder if my because you know,

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I've talked about it from so many times almost from

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day one, you know, I was obsessed with reading and

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studying and Bible studies and listening to sermons. So then

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I was like, I wonder if if all of this

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has always been has it been spiritually motivated or have

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I been fleshly? And it's a religious obsessive compulsive disorder

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that what's played out over my life of being a

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Christian has nothing been spiritual. It's all been fleshly. It's

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a religious compulsive disorder. I wonder if my podcasting is

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more fleshly than it is spiritual. And I just have

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a religious obsessive compulsive disorder. So that so that's where

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I was thinking. So underneath that, there's a picture of

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a woman. She's got her hands together like she's praying.

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She's got her face down on her hands and they're

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on a Bible. And obviously here's a woman who's passionately,

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you know, crying out to God. Right but now in

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that picture takes on a whole new context like is

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she doing that because she loves God? Is she's doing

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that because she loves the Bible? Is she's doing that

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because she's religious? Or is she Is that a picture

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of someone suffering from religious OCD or scrupulosity? Is this

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someone really suffering from a religious obsessive compulsive disorder? And

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I'd be like, well, that's that picture. Then take instead

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of looking at that, going that's convicting. That may be like, oh, lady, lady, lady, lady,

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put the Bible away, stop, stand up, go away, just

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go find something else to do. So the first paragraph.

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Martin Luther and John Bunyan are familiar names in church.

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History because of how they've encouraged the faith of Christians

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around the world and across time, but they also have

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something lesser known in common.

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Biographers speculate that Martin Luther and John Bunyan may have

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had a religious subtype of obsessive compulsive disorder called scrupulosity.

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And I was like, wow, now with Luther, I am

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not an expert on Bunyan. Okay, I'm not saying I'm

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an expert on Luther, but I have read studied Luther.

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I'm much more. I mean, I was a Lutheran for

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crying aloud. I wanted to become a Lutheran pastor. So

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I'm very much more familiar with Luther. Right, I'm very

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much with his writings, with his sermons. I'm very much

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more familiar with him, his history. Bunyan, I'm not with Luther.

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I could see where you could say he had, you know,

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he had scrupulosity, he had religious OCD. I could see

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that next paragraph Luther struggled with insecurity. I just hit

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the microphone. I apologize. Luther struggled with insecurity about his

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salvation and was plagued daily with intrusive thoughts regarding particular sins,

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perpetually battling urgis to blaspheme God. Can you imagine that

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he was plagued every day with intrusive thoughts regarding particular

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sins and perpetually battling urges to blaspheme God. He literally

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had urges he wanted to blaspheme God, but he was

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just intrusive thoughts regarding particular sins. Now, I definitely have

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that where I can just be, I can be doing

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anything and be taking a shower next thing. You know,

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I'm remembering sins I've committed ten years ago, fifteen years ago.

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And it may not even be it may have not

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even been an external way. It may have been just

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an internal thought or an internal desire, and I will

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be eaten away with it. I know every failure, I

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know every mistake. I definitely have that inside of me.

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But then there's other parts of me that'll be like,

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you know whatever, who cares like So, I feel like

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I'm somewhat conflicted on this. Maybe you. But then he

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had perpetual urges to blaspheme, God, that's that's crazy. In

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a similar way, and I'm paraphrasing here a little bit.

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Bunyan notes in his memoir Grace Abounding to the Chief

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of Sinners how he obsessed over any potential sinful thought

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or action and continuously feared being dis destined to Hell.

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This escalated to the point that he started to forego

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activities he enjoyed, like bell, ringing and playing games less

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the enjoyment led him to sin. Now I have struggled

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with those same issues I have gone So it's been

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like a wild roller coaster in my Christian life. Okay,

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what well, I'm going to stop everything. All I'm going

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to do is listen to him's sermons, read my Bible, pray.

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I'm getting rid of everything. And then it would be like, well,

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now I'm going to do that. Well, now I'm not

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going to do this now. Over time, once kids came along,

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well that kind of once you have a family, you

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can't go. You can't you can't fluctuate wildly, right, you can't,

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right because everyone now there is being impacted by it, right,

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everyone else is being impacted by So I had to

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kind of just try to figure things out. There were

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still some wild fluctuations, which you know, probably was very

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damaging to my kids. But I was I was limited, right,

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But if I did not have that, I would be

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all over the place. You know, I'd probably be like

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I'm just going to do this and nothing else. And

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then I'd be like, well, no, forget, I'm gonna do that,

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because I would be greatly conflicted. Now, this is how

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the International OCD Foundation defines scrupulosity. So this is like

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the technical official definition from the International OCD Foundation scrupulosity.

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It involves religious or moral obsession. Religious or moral obsession. Now,

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see this is very difficult, right, Because on one hand,

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you could be religious and have moral obsession because you

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love God, you are pursuing God, you have a greater

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desire for God than maybe other people, and it's spiritual,

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it's healthy. But I think there's times where someone's religious

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or moral obsession is not being driven from a spiritual perspective.

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It's fleshly, it's psychological, it's a disorder, and it's damaging.

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That's where this becomes very difficult and trying to find

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that correct understanding of this. Scrupulous individuals are overly concerned

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that something they thought or did might be a sin

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or other violation of religious or moral doctrine. Even if

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they think it, even if they feel it, even if

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it's all internal, very little external, it doesn't matter. They

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will become obsessed with it. They will be eaten alive

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with it, even if it never Now. On one hand,

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we should be bothered by every internal wrong desire. We

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should be bothered by it because it shows us that

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even if we do things correct externally, we're still a

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bunch of sinners. Internally. It should bother us. But at

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the same time, there's got to be a correct way

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to handle it, right The term scrupulosity was actually coined

396
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before obsessive compulsive disorder. It was derived from the Latin word,

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which has translated a sharp rock, implying a stabbing pain

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on the conscience. Swear the conscience is just being eaten away,

399
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eaten away. I'm a sinner, I'm a failure. I'm never

400
00:27:06.400 --> 00:27:08.599
gonna be good enough. I'm never gonna do enough. I

401
00:27:08.640 --> 00:27:10.640
need to do more. I need to do more. I

402
00:27:10.680 --> 00:27:12.839
need to read my Bible more. I need to pray more.

403
00:27:12.920 --> 00:27:14.480
I need to go to church more. I need to

404
00:27:14.519 --> 00:27:16.680
listen to more sermons. I need to do this. I

405
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need to do more Bible studies. Because you're making up

406
00:27:19.599 --> 00:27:25.119
for the failure. You are overcompensating doing all the But

407
00:27:25.160 --> 00:27:27.720
you're not doing these things for religious reasons. You're doing

408
00:27:27.799 --> 00:27:31.799
these things simply to ease your own conscience. You're just

409
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doing things. Sometimes people will do this, they will go

410
00:27:35.799 --> 00:27:40.559
and confess something more to ease their own conscience. It's

411
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for their benefit. It's not even really about God, because

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they're conscience just like they got a knife in it.

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They're being eaten away, and so we overcome. So then

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I have to ask, how many religious things have I done?

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Bible reading, praying, teach, preaching, podcasting is at all simply

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been to overcompensate the thing stabbing in my conscience, which

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is a twenty four to seven, never ending voice that

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constantly says, you're a center.

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You're a center. You're a center. You're a center. You're

420
00:28:19.559 --> 00:28:23.039
a center. You're a failure. You're a failure. You're a failure.

421
00:28:22.839 --> 00:28:28.000
You're a hypocrite. You're not godly, you're not good. You're pathetic,

422
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you're weak, you're disgusting, you're vile. You don't deserve anything.

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00:28:32.519 --> 00:28:35.319
You shouldn't be preaching. You shouldn't be teaching. You shouldn't

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even be touching a Bible.

425
00:28:36.759 --> 00:28:41.880
You're disgusting. You should probably just die like But I

426
00:28:41.960 --> 00:28:45.000
overcompensate with that. But if I do, look, nobody's read

427
00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:47.440
the Bible more than me, nobody studies more than me,

428
00:28:47.640 --> 00:28:50.880
nobody knows theology better than me. Nobody's done as many

429
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hours of broadcasting as me. Nobody I've made. Haven't I

430
00:28:55.599 --> 00:28:58.480
made up for all of my wrong? Haven't I look?

431
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Look at all the good? This is the bad? Come on?

432
00:29:01.400 --> 00:29:03.839
Come on? Doesn't that do it? And And even if

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00:29:03.839 --> 00:29:16.079
it pleases anybody else, it will never please me. Scrupulosity

434
00:29:16.839 --> 00:29:21.400
still manifest and believers today, perhaps even among church members.

435
00:29:22.599 --> 00:29:26.000
How can pastors and church leaders recognize and minister to

436
00:29:26.039 --> 00:29:29.960
a member wrestling with scrupulosity. Often people with the struggle

437
00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:35.519
are difficult to identify due to their apparently thriving spiritual lives.

438
00:29:36.160 --> 00:29:40.319
See outwardly, you appear to be thriving. They may be

439
00:29:40.599 --> 00:29:44.599
like they're the spiritual people, they're the godly ones, they're

440
00:29:44.839 --> 00:29:47.440
they're in fact, they may even get the praise and

441
00:29:47.480 --> 00:29:51.200
the recognition. But if it's if it's scrupulosity driving it,

442
00:29:51.920 --> 00:29:58.960
that's a horrible thing. So I want you to draw

443
00:29:59.000 --> 00:30:00.799
that picture of a person and I want you to

444
00:30:00.839 --> 00:30:04.559
have scrupulosity on one side, antiinomianism on the other, or

445
00:30:04.640 --> 00:30:07.359
moral laxity on the other. I want you to have that,

446
00:30:07.440 --> 00:30:08.799
and I just want you to see that as a

447
00:30:09.079 --> 00:30:12.799
visual image of this. Now, obviously there's got to be

448
00:30:12.799 --> 00:30:16.559
a balance. We don't want scrupulosity, we don't want antinomianism.

449
00:30:17.000 --> 00:30:20.279
We need to find a balance. Maybe over I don't

450
00:30:20.279 --> 00:30:23.400
know how many different broadcasts we'll do discussing this, but

451
00:30:23.440 --> 00:30:28.839
we have to figure out how not to operate under

452
00:30:28.839 --> 00:30:32.880
the motivation of a well a psychological disorder, an obsessive

453
00:30:32.920 --> 00:30:38.720
compulsive disorder, because there's nothing We're not doing anything to

454
00:30:38.759 --> 00:30:42.480
please God. We're just we're having We're doing things simply

455
00:30:42.559 --> 00:30:47.079
to battle our own psychological disorder. God is not even

456
00:30:47.160 --> 00:30:52.480
in it. God is there, but everything's being done because

457
00:30:52.480 --> 00:30:59.039
of a psychological battle inside yourself. This is very difficult

458
00:30:59.119 --> 00:31:01.319
to because at the same time, you don't want to

459
00:31:01.359 --> 00:31:05.119
look at someone who's striving to be godly, reading their Bible,

460
00:31:05.359 --> 00:31:08.400
listening to sermons, doing Bible studies, like I would hate

461
00:31:08.440 --> 00:31:11.079
to be the person. Like someone emails me and they're like, oh,

462
00:31:11.119 --> 00:31:13.400
I've done this and here's this assignment and this assignment,

463
00:31:13.440 --> 00:31:16.319
and I send back going, well, I clearly you need

464
00:31:16.559 --> 00:31:20.279
to go see a psychologist because you have a religious

465
00:31:20.440 --> 00:31:24.559
OCD that would you don't do that right. You don't

466
00:31:24.559 --> 00:31:31.079
want to discourage actual pursuit of God. But when you

467
00:31:31.240 --> 00:31:37.119
notice possibly scrupulosity inside someone, you want to definitely help them.

468
00:31:37.119 --> 00:31:39.720
But I think mainly this is where each individual has

469
00:31:39.759 --> 00:31:43.640
to look inside themselves. Can't I can't diagnose anybody with it.

470
00:31:44.079 --> 00:31:48.119
I can't. That's hard enough figuring out me. I definitely

471
00:31:48.160 --> 00:31:55.599
know there's some elements of this in me. Here's the

472
00:31:55.640 --> 00:31:57.640
author of this article. And this article can be found

473
00:31:57.640 --> 00:32:01.960
at the Gospel Coalition dotorg. The Gospel Coalition dot org.

474
00:32:02.480 --> 00:32:04.640
I'll try to maybe I'll send I don't know if

475
00:32:04.640 --> 00:32:07.160
I'll send a link out on the church one app,

476
00:32:07.680 --> 00:32:10.160
but you can find it the Gospel Coalition dot org.

477
00:32:10.359 --> 00:32:16.279
But here's how this article continues. And a lot and

478
00:32:16.400 --> 00:32:19.480
the beginning of this was from different sources. So I've

479
00:32:19.480 --> 00:32:21.680
combined some things, but then some of this I'm reading

480
00:32:21.680 --> 00:32:24.680
straight through. So I'm trying to trying to add and

481
00:32:25.039 --> 00:32:28.119
and we'll be adding more to this from different sources.

482
00:32:29.279 --> 00:32:33.279
But this is how this article begins. As a high schooler,

483
00:32:34.160 --> 00:32:37.519
I read my Bible for an hour or more each day,

484
00:32:38.079 --> 00:32:40.160
even if it meant waking up at four am to

485
00:32:40.200 --> 00:32:44.920
have enough time. I taught Sunday school, read dozens of

486
00:32:44.960 --> 00:32:50.279
theology books, and and organized fundraising for nonprofits. I memorized

487
00:32:50.319 --> 00:32:53.319
Efesians from start to finish. I kelped. I kept an

488
00:32:53.359 --> 00:32:58.720
alphabetized prayer journal with requests from dozens of people, some

489
00:32:58.759 --> 00:33:01.960
of whom I hardly knew. I paid for strangers groceries.

490
00:33:02.079 --> 00:33:05.079
I started conversations with strangers at parks. School or at

491
00:33:05.079 --> 00:33:07.319
the airport, to try to witness to them. None of

492
00:33:07.319 --> 00:33:10.519
this came naturally to me. I'd rather say, stay hidden

493
00:33:10.680 --> 00:33:14.519
in the crowd anywhere I go. Now that sounds like

494
00:33:14.559 --> 00:33:17.200
someone who's doing all kinds of things. Now, some of that,

495
00:33:17.279 --> 00:33:20.240
A lot of that I can relate to. I was

496
00:33:20.279 --> 00:33:22.799
reading my Bible more than an hour a day. I mean,

497
00:33:23.079 --> 00:33:27.359
no question, I was reading. He says, dozens of theology books.

498
00:33:27.480 --> 00:33:29.839
I was reading a theology book. I felt like a

499
00:33:29.880 --> 00:33:34.400
week I was. I was spending hours in any library

500
00:33:34.480 --> 00:33:37.759
I could find that had stacks of books. I was reading, studying.

501
00:33:37.839 --> 00:33:39.440
I can't even tell you how many I had a

502
00:33:39.519 --> 00:33:41.680
very disciplined time that I would listen to this sermon

503
00:33:41.759 --> 00:33:44.119
or this sermon, or this or this preacher or this

504
00:33:44.160 --> 00:33:48.799
preacher or this ministry. I mean I was, I was

505
00:33:49.039 --> 00:33:51.960
there right, there was a but I would have told

506
00:33:51.960 --> 00:33:54.000
you I was out of love for God. I would

507
00:33:54.119 --> 00:33:56.640
I would not have been able. Looking back, I may

508
00:33:56.640 --> 00:34:00.200
see that it was something else. But I also I'm

509
00:34:00.279 --> 00:34:02.359
very aware of even though I was doing all of that,

510
00:34:03.680 --> 00:34:07.920
I was still a sinner, still sinning, still struggling, still failing.

511
00:34:09.039 --> 00:34:12.519
So but I felt like every failure I could somehow

512
00:34:12.559 --> 00:34:14.840
excuse the failure from all the good I was doing.

513
00:34:15.039 --> 00:34:17.960
So then was I doing it just to ease my conscience?

514
00:34:18.079 --> 00:34:23.880
Was I? Like, what what was my motivation? Now this art?

515
00:34:24.000 --> 00:34:25.840
This person goes on to say, I did not include

516
00:34:25.880 --> 00:34:28.480
this list to flaunt my spiritual track record, but to

517
00:34:28.599 --> 00:34:34.840
highlight what was going on behind it. From the outside,

518
00:34:35.079 --> 00:34:41.039
I appeared to be thriving, but in reality I struggled

519
00:34:41.519 --> 00:34:48.639
with severe case of scrupulosity. Now this is an individual going, hey,

520
00:34:48.679 --> 00:34:51.159
I did all of these things, but the reality was

521
00:34:51.519 --> 00:34:57.840
I was suffering from scrupulosity. Now they'll be I know,

522
00:34:57.880 --> 00:35:01.599
they'll be preachers, they'll be they'll be going, you're condemning

523
00:35:01.679 --> 00:35:05.000
someone trying to live for God. No I'm not. I'm

524
00:35:05.079 --> 00:35:08.960
trying to say, sometimes what appears to be living for

525
00:35:09.039 --> 00:35:14.159
God is simply a obsessive compulsive disorder, and that has

526
00:35:14.199 --> 00:35:24.559
nothing to do with God. This article continues, scrupulosity can

527
00:35:24.599 --> 00:35:35.360
be jaw dropping deceptive. Spiritual disciplines are essential for growth,

528
00:35:36.159 --> 00:35:38.880
and we want to encourage one another to practice them.

529
00:35:39.360 --> 00:35:44.880
But there's a difference between healthy spiritual practice and someone

530
00:35:44.920 --> 00:35:50.639
who's struggling with OCD. Since the outward behaviors may look

531
00:35:51.199 --> 00:35:55.280
the exact same, So we have to look below the

532
00:35:55.440 --> 00:36:01.159
surface to identify scrupulosity. I agree, it's absolutely jaw dropping

533
00:36:01.320 --> 00:36:04.480
deceptive because it will look like, hey, here's someone doing

534
00:36:04.519 --> 00:36:08.480
healthy spiritual practices for all the right reasons. They love God,

535
00:36:08.519 --> 00:36:12.559
they're pursuing God. They should convict us. And then there's

536
00:36:12.559 --> 00:36:16.039
someone else who's doing the exact same things. But it's

537
00:36:16.119 --> 00:36:20.119
all not good and we should not be convicted by that.

538
00:36:20.159 --> 00:36:23.159
We should feel sorry for them and want to help them.

539
00:36:23.760 --> 00:36:31.119
How can you tell the difference? In this article they

540
00:36:31.239 --> 00:36:36.519
name a book. The book is called A Still and

541
00:36:36.679 --> 00:36:43.599
Quiet Mind. A Still and Quiet Mind by Esther Smith

542
00:36:45.800 --> 00:36:51.800
Esther Smith. In Esther Smith's book on intrusive thoughts, A

543
00:36:51.880 --> 00:36:54.719
Still and Quiet Mind, she lists the warning signs of

544
00:36:54.800 --> 00:36:59.440
someone struggling with scrupulosity. Now, I would challenge everyone to

545
00:36:59.559 --> 00:37:02.599
look up this book. I'm going to copy the link.

546
00:37:02.679 --> 00:37:06.639
You can get it at Amazon. Okay, I'm going to

547
00:37:06.719 --> 00:37:11.039
close this. I'm going to paste and go A Still

548
00:37:11.119 --> 00:37:16.000
and Quiet Mind Twelve Strategies for Changing Unwanted Thoughts by

549
00:37:16.199 --> 00:37:19.639
Esther Smith. This was published June the twenty second, twenty

550
00:37:19.719 --> 00:37:23.440
twenty two, at Least and paperback. You can get it

551
00:37:23.519 --> 00:37:26.320
for thirteen twenty nine paperback or nine ninety nine for

552
00:37:26.320 --> 00:37:32.079
a kindle. A Still and Quiet Mind again, twelve Strategies

553
00:37:32.119 --> 00:37:36.000
for Changing Unwanted thoughts. I would challenge everyone to get

554
00:37:36.039 --> 00:37:39.639
a copy of this book. Esther Smith, get a copy

555
00:37:39.719 --> 00:37:43.599
of this book, A Still and Quiet Mind, Twelve Strategies

556
00:37:43.599 --> 00:37:45.960
for Changing unwanted thoughts. This would be one of those

557
00:37:45.960 --> 00:37:49.000
situations where if I had money, I would give away

558
00:37:49.039 --> 00:37:51.360
as many copies of this as I could, because I

559
00:37:51.400 --> 00:37:55.000
think any if it contains a chapter dealing with scrupulosity,

560
00:37:55.400 --> 00:37:58.119
then that would be that would be very worth your

561
00:37:58.159 --> 00:38:01.360
time to look at. I'm going to go back to

562
00:38:01.400 --> 00:38:04.440
the article where it mentions this book. This is what

563
00:38:04.480 --> 00:38:08.079
it says and Esther Smith's book on intrusive thoughts I

564
00:38:08.199 --> 00:38:11.400
Still in Quiet Mind. She lists warning signs of someone

565
00:38:11.480 --> 00:38:16.000
struggling with scrupulosity. Here are the warning signs. Doubting whether

566
00:38:16.039 --> 00:38:20.039
you're truly saved? Now see for now, see this is

567
00:38:20.039 --> 00:38:23.360
the problem. What many Christians would do is be like, no,

568
00:38:23.800 --> 00:38:26.199
doubting your salvation can be a good thing, because it

569
00:38:26.199 --> 00:38:28.199
may show that you're not really saved, and now you

570
00:38:28.320 --> 00:38:31.719
need to get saved. I say, see This is going

571
00:38:31.800 --> 00:38:34.519
to be very difficult to even diagnose, but I would

572
00:38:34.559 --> 00:38:39.119
say this is what I would say. When scrupulosity is

573
00:38:39.159 --> 00:38:42.320
where you become so preoccupied with I've got to do

574
00:38:42.360 --> 00:38:43.880
this and this and this and this and this to

575
00:38:44.039 --> 00:38:47.320
prove that I'm saved, that what that is. Scrupulosity will

576
00:38:47.400 --> 00:38:50.199
lead you to a law based understanding. It will lead

577
00:38:50.239 --> 00:38:52.920
you to a legalistic understanding where you're going to try

578
00:38:52.920 --> 00:38:55.760
to prove your salvation based on what you do versus

579
00:38:55.800 --> 00:38:58.840
trusting in the imputed righteousness of Christ. Now, there are

580
00:38:58.880 --> 00:39:02.639
some theologies that lead to a scrupulosity way of thinking.

581
00:39:02.760 --> 00:39:06.679
Even though it's not telling you to have the compulsive disorder,

582
00:39:06.920 --> 00:39:09.440
it leads to it because it's like your salvation has

583
00:39:09.519 --> 00:39:13.119
proved by what you do do instead of saying, no,

584
00:39:13.199 --> 00:39:17.199
your salvation is proven by the finished work of Jesus Christ.

585
00:39:17.679 --> 00:39:20.159
Go trust in that. So, in a sense, we've already

586
00:39:20.199 --> 00:39:23.760
been kind of fighting a scrupulosity way of thinking, and

587
00:39:23.840 --> 00:39:28.599
our discussion on law and gospel fears regarding now here's

588
00:39:28.599 --> 00:39:32.480
another sign. Fears regarding specific sins, such as a fear

589
00:39:32.519 --> 00:39:35.239
of committing the unpardonable sin or grieving the Holy Spirit,

590
00:39:35.519 --> 00:39:38.000
or a constant concern about whether a certain thought or

591
00:39:38.039 --> 00:39:41.840
action is sinful or not. Who s where you're just

592
00:39:41.880 --> 00:39:45.039
constantly well, I'm thinking this, and I'm desiring this, and

593
00:39:45.079 --> 00:39:47.519
I'm struggling with this, and I'm doing this, and I'm

594
00:39:47.559 --> 00:39:50.039
doing that, and I'm doing this. Now. On one hand,

595
00:39:50.280 --> 00:39:52.559
that's a good thing, because you need to be constantly

596
00:39:52.639 --> 00:39:55.400
aware of your sin, and then it should make you

597
00:39:55.519 --> 00:39:59.519
run to Christ and then you should find absolution. You

598
00:39:59.519 --> 00:40:04.159
should find and forgiveness, you should find peace. But I

599
00:40:04.199 --> 00:40:05.960
think this is what happens is even though you know

600
00:40:06.000 --> 00:40:08.840
you're saved by the imputed rightchousness of Christ, you can't

601
00:40:09.559 --> 00:40:14.960
kick the never ending voice saying you're a failure. You're

602
00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:17.239
a failure, You're a failure, You're a failure, which I

603
00:40:17.239 --> 00:40:20.639
think then in turns kicks in. I gotta be more disciplined.

604
00:40:20.719 --> 00:40:22.679
I gotta read more. I gotta pray more. I gotta

605
00:40:22.679 --> 00:40:25.079
listen to sermons more. I gotta finish this Bible study.

606
00:40:25.159 --> 00:40:27.280
I gotta do this. I gotta do this, I gotta

607
00:40:27.360 --> 00:40:29.519
do this. I gotta do it. But you're doing it

608
00:40:29.639 --> 00:40:33.679
simply to try to erase your conscience. Your scrupulosity is

609
00:40:33.760 --> 00:40:40.159
leading to the spiritual disciplines, not your love for God

610
00:40:41.280 --> 00:40:47.960
and truthive thoughts related to blaspheming or angering God, Fears

611
00:40:47.960 --> 00:40:51.000
related to specific verses in the Bible that talk about judgment, hell,

612
00:40:51.320 --> 00:40:55.800
or other difficult topics. Since scrupulosity is a form of OCD,

613
00:40:56.280 --> 00:41:01.079
those who struggle with it experience intense anxiety or fear

614
00:41:01.440 --> 00:41:06.480
over something, over something their obsession, and they attempt to

615
00:41:06.519 --> 00:41:09.320
cope with that fear by developing habits to help relieve it,

616
00:41:09.559 --> 00:41:13.840
their compulsiony compulsion, although the relief is only temporary, so

617
00:41:13.880 --> 00:41:19.440
they obsess over their fear, worry. They have fear, worry, anxiety, guilt,

618
00:41:19.760 --> 00:41:24.079
and then they try to cope with that by a compulsion,

619
00:41:24.599 --> 00:41:27.480
but it only is temporary. No matter how much you read,

620
00:41:27.639 --> 00:41:30.519
no matter how many broadcasts you do, no matter how

621
00:41:30.599 --> 00:41:34.199
many sermons you preach, you go back to the anxiety

622
00:41:34.239 --> 00:41:36.440
and fear because you know you're a sinner. You're a sinner,

623
00:41:36.480 --> 00:41:38.679
You're a failure, You're a failure. You're a failure. You're

624
00:41:38.719 --> 00:41:41.199
a failure. You're a failure, You're a failure. So then

625
00:41:41.519 --> 00:41:44.519
what do you It's like, what do you do? Like

626
00:41:44.960 --> 00:41:49.119
for me, I'm just see this is just fully transparent.

627
00:41:49.280 --> 00:41:51.880
It's almost like, in some ways I need the broadcast

628
00:41:52.360 --> 00:41:55.239
because then I have something tangible to go. Look at

629
00:41:55.239 --> 00:41:58.920
how many broadcasts I did. Look Look, it's right there

630
00:41:58.960 --> 00:42:02.360
on the internet. I've got over almost over four thousand.

631
00:42:03.159 --> 00:42:06.360
Look at that. Nobody broadcasts more than me, Nobody does

632
00:42:06.400 --> 00:42:08.719
more hours of work and study than I do. I

633
00:42:08.760 --> 00:42:11.199
do more work, I do more study. But it's my

634
00:42:11.400 --> 00:42:15.920
compulsion to deal with my obsession, which is my never

635
00:42:16.079 --> 00:42:20.280
ending awareness of my own shortcomings and my own failures.

636
00:42:21.719 --> 00:42:25.960
So therefore my religiosity is simply a cover for my

637
00:42:26.719 --> 00:42:31.000
obsession of my own sin and failure, knowing I'm never

638
00:42:31.079 --> 00:42:35.599
doing anything right, knowing I'm never going to do anything right,

639
00:42:35.679 --> 00:42:38.760
which then at times can lead to for me, it

640
00:42:38.800 --> 00:42:40.599
almost can lead me to just saying, you know what,

641
00:42:41.360 --> 00:42:43.800
forget it, forget it? Who cares what I do? Who

642
00:42:43.840 --> 00:42:46.719
cares what I do? Who cares? Then almost to a

643
00:42:46.760 --> 00:42:49.840
moral laxity, which then goes back to then leading to

644
00:42:49.880 --> 00:42:52.920
the obsession, then leads to the compulsion, and then it's

645
00:42:53.000 --> 00:42:55.480
like I'm trapped in a will and I can't get off,

646
00:42:55.559 --> 00:42:58.719
and nobody will make it stop. Now my only hope

647
00:42:58.760 --> 00:43:01.480
has ever been well, I can't worry about other people.

648
00:43:01.599 --> 00:43:04.199
I can't worry about what anybody else thinks. I know

649
00:43:04.320 --> 00:43:07.519
the reality is my only hope is in the imputed

650
00:43:07.599 --> 00:43:11.280
righteousness of Christ. And then that can make the will stop.

651
00:43:13.519 --> 00:43:16.039
But then I'll get right back on the will and

652
00:43:16.199 --> 00:43:19.280
go start running again in circles or running going nowhere.

653
00:43:23.199 --> 00:43:29.159
Common obsessions associated with scrupulosity are as listed by the

654
00:43:29.199 --> 00:43:33.280
OCD Anxiety Center are repetitive thoughts about having committed a sin,

655
00:43:33.760 --> 00:43:36.519
a fear of offending God with one's actions or attitudes,

656
00:43:36.639 --> 00:43:40.840
fear of having blasphemous thoughts, fear of loss of endpulse control,

657
00:43:41.039 --> 00:43:43.920
fear of a loss of salvation by sinning. Some compulsions

658
00:43:43.960 --> 00:43:46.639
to cope with these fears maybe repetitive or excessive prayers,

659
00:43:47.440 --> 00:43:50.920
rereading text or prayers until it feels just right. Repetitive

660
00:43:50.960 --> 00:43:54.400
excessive confession, and repeatedly asking the same questions of church

661
00:43:54.480 --> 00:43:57.320
leaders or family members, usually with the need of assurance

662
00:43:57.320 --> 00:44:03.360
of salvation or moral standing. Now for me again. This

663
00:44:03.400 --> 00:44:05.960
is where I don't know if I fit the clinical definition,

664
00:44:06.599 --> 00:44:11.280
but yeah, the repetitive confession to God, I usually to God,

665
00:44:11.880 --> 00:44:14.239
may be confessing to others over and over and over

666
00:44:14.320 --> 00:44:18.599
and over, and over. But for me, I think I

667
00:44:18.639 --> 00:44:20.880
try to cover it up with all of my excessive

668
00:44:21.239 --> 00:44:24.239
they say, excessive reading and praying. I do with excessive

669
00:44:25.000 --> 00:44:29.800
maybe studying and broadcasting. I think maybe my compulsion becomes

670
00:44:29.800 --> 00:44:33.920
my broadcasting because I'm overcompensating for my obsession, which is

671
00:44:33.960 --> 00:44:39.039
my awareness of my own failure. Which so the thing is,

672
00:44:39.159 --> 00:44:41.960
if I never broadcast. So here's the thing. Okay, So

673
00:44:42.079 --> 00:44:44.719
I know I'm a sinner. I know. So here's where

674
00:44:44.719 --> 00:44:48.400
it really comes down to. Okay, you know you're and

675
00:44:49.000 --> 00:44:51.000
some of you may not even be relating to any

676
00:44:51.039 --> 00:44:52.760
of this, and that's okay. I may be the only one,

677
00:44:52.840 --> 00:44:55.360
and that's okay. If I'm the only one. Here's the

678
00:44:55.440 --> 00:44:57.320
question I had to ask myself. And I was asking

679
00:44:57.360 --> 00:45:01.039
myself this question this week. Okay, So I'm a sinner,

680
00:45:01.159 --> 00:45:04.800
I'm a failure. Okay, gotcha? All right? Fact, nobody can

681
00:45:04.840 --> 00:45:09.840
deny that right now. If I never pick up a

682
00:45:09.840 --> 00:45:15.360
Bible again, if I never do another broadcast again, if

683
00:45:15.360 --> 00:45:19.840
I never even go to church again, can I truly

684
00:45:20.760 --> 00:45:26.920
rest and truly find peace simply in the imputed righteousness

685
00:45:27.000 --> 00:45:32.880
of Christ? Can I simply say I'm a sinner, but

686
00:45:32.960 --> 00:45:35.440
I'm just gonna find perfect peace and rest in the

687
00:45:36.280 --> 00:45:40.559
imputed righteousness of Christ. I'm not gonna make up for

688
00:45:40.639 --> 00:45:43.239
it by doing anything. I'm just gonna say, hey, I'm

689
00:45:43.239 --> 00:45:45.800
a sinner. Even if I if I never pick up

690
00:45:45.800 --> 00:45:48.719
a Bible again, if I never do anything religious again,

691
00:45:49.079 --> 00:45:52.280
I'm okay because of the imputed righteousness of Christ. Can

692
00:45:52.360 --> 00:45:56.119
I truly bring myself to say, okay, done with everything,

693
00:45:56.280 --> 00:45:59.599
no more anything, Just wipe my I'm not doing anything.

694
00:45:59.639 --> 00:46:01.880
I'm just gonna sit here now. I know some people say, well,

695
00:46:01.920 --> 00:46:04.760
that proves you're never saved, okay, which then only leads

696
00:46:04.800 --> 00:46:07.280
to the scrupulosity way of thinking. What I'm trying to

697
00:46:07.280 --> 00:46:10.280
do is could you find Can you find yourself at

698
00:46:10.320 --> 00:46:14.800
complete peace with your salvation and with God, knowing that

699
00:46:14.840 --> 00:46:18.119
it's all based off the imputed righteousness of Christ, not

700
00:46:18.239 --> 00:46:23.519
based on what you do. I'm gonna be honest with you.

701
00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:28.880
I don't think I could. I think what I would

702
00:46:28.920 --> 00:46:32.000
do is then convince myself that Christianity is not real

703
00:46:32.239 --> 00:46:36.679
and become an atheist and just give up. As much

704
00:46:36.719 --> 00:46:39.079
as I preach the imputed righteousness of Christ. I don't

705
00:46:39.079 --> 00:46:41.039
think I could just say, well, I've got the imputed

706
00:46:41.079 --> 00:46:44.000
righteousness of Christ. I don't need anything else. I find

707
00:46:44.039 --> 00:46:46.400
peace and comfort in that. I don't know if I could,

708
00:46:48.679 --> 00:47:00.840
because I have to make up for it somehow. The

709
00:47:00.920 --> 00:47:06.280
International OCD Foundation points out that a person with scrupulosity

710
00:47:06.800 --> 00:47:10.599
can often be identified by the way she obsessively, by

711
00:47:10.639 --> 00:47:13.679
the way says she, by the way she I would

712
00:47:13.719 --> 00:47:18.400
say he or she, by the way they obsessively fixates

713
00:47:18.880 --> 00:47:24.519
on one, sometimes trivial area of her or their religious practice,

714
00:47:24.719 --> 00:47:28.079
while other more important areas may be completely ignored. For example,

715
00:47:28.320 --> 00:47:30.719
I become overly concerned about the sin of gluttony to

716
00:47:30.760 --> 00:47:32.400
the point I was afraid to have a snack if

717
00:47:32.400 --> 00:47:35.280
I did didn't truly need it, which resulted in disorder

718
00:47:35.280 --> 00:47:40.760
eating habits. Even a brief teaching on glutty would consume

719
00:47:40.840 --> 00:47:43.360
my thoughts, while sermons about critical doctrines of the faith

720
00:47:43.519 --> 00:47:46.519
took little hold in my mind. So this is where

721
00:47:46.559 --> 00:47:50.039
scrupulosity can be. Sometimes you become fixated on just one thing,

722
00:47:50.639 --> 00:47:54.679
one thing, sometimes trivial, and I'd be that's sin, that's sin,

723
00:47:55.079 --> 00:47:58.760
that's sin. That's sin, that's sin, that's sin, and all

724
00:47:58.880 --> 00:48:00.960
and everything else just high kind of goes to the

725
00:48:01.280 --> 00:48:12.480
that you become consumed with that. I don't know if

726
00:48:12.519 --> 00:48:15.119
I ever have just one. I think I'm just overly

727
00:48:15.239 --> 00:48:20.559
concerned with awe. I think I am, But I do

728
00:48:20.639 --> 00:48:24.280
understand taking going to you know, you can go to

729
00:48:24.400 --> 00:48:29.239
ridiculous levels. I'm more like, you know, you know, as

730
00:48:29.320 --> 00:48:30.920
Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mound, if your

731
00:48:31.000 --> 00:48:33.199
right hand you know, cause you justin cut it off.

732
00:48:33.280 --> 00:48:35.639
I'm more for like chopping off the hand and ripping

733
00:48:35.639 --> 00:48:38.800
out the eye. Now, at the same time, philologically, I

734
00:48:38.840 --> 00:48:40.559
know the real issue is not the hand or the eye.

735
00:48:40.559 --> 00:48:42.480
It's what's inside of me. But I can't rip out

736
00:48:42.519 --> 00:48:44.840
what's inside of me. So I sometimes want to go

737
00:48:44.840 --> 00:48:48.199
to extreme measures externally because then I'm like, that'll fix it.

738
00:48:48.239 --> 00:48:49.880
But it won't fix it because even if I cut

739
00:48:49.920 --> 00:48:52.960
everything off externally, I'm still left for the internal reality.

740
00:48:53.119 --> 00:48:55.960
So then I'm still sitting. So then I become compulsive.

741
00:48:56.320 --> 00:48:58.280
Then then I got to figure out what I'm going

742
00:48:58.320 --> 00:49:07.159
to do to make up for the internal heart. Well,

743
00:49:07.199 --> 00:49:12.239
there are some common indicators. Scrupulosity can take different forms

744
00:49:12.400 --> 00:49:15.719
depending on the sufferer's personality, So that's good. I'm glad

745
00:49:15.719 --> 00:49:18.440
that they say that, because I believe if I don't

746
00:49:18.480 --> 00:49:21.760
know if I have the psychological disorder, but I know

747
00:49:21.880 --> 00:49:25.480
that mine has its own form. In other words, there's

748
00:49:25.639 --> 00:49:31.079
enough scrupulosity in me that is unique to me, that

749
00:49:31.119 --> 00:49:36.639
has had a profound impact over my religious pursuit, my

750
00:49:37.159 --> 00:49:40.519
spiritual journey, that is very unique to me, that may

751
00:49:40.559 --> 00:49:43.440
not quite fit the category perfectly. That's what I want

752
00:49:43.480 --> 00:49:45.280
you to do. It doesn't matter if you say, well,

753
00:49:45.360 --> 00:49:48.880
i've been diagnosed with the oc Well, if you have OCD,

754
00:49:49.280 --> 00:49:53.000
if you've been diagnosed with I cannot determine. Now. I

755
00:49:53.000 --> 00:49:55.679
gotta be careful here. I cannot say this in a

756
00:49:55.840 --> 00:49:59.519
dogmatic assertion. And my mind would say, if you've been

757
00:49:59.559 --> 00:50:04.000
diagnosed with OCD, any type of obsessive compulsive disorder, then

758
00:50:04.039 --> 00:50:08.440
I would think scrupulosity would be a very high probability.

759
00:50:08.559 --> 00:50:10.199
I could be wrong. I don't know if there's any

760
00:50:10.239 --> 00:50:13.639
clinical proof of that, but to me, if you've got OCD,

761
00:50:13.760 --> 00:50:22.119
why wouldn't that slide over into your religious life? Whereas

762
00:50:22.239 --> 00:50:24.000
I now this is the author goes on to say,

763
00:50:24.079 --> 00:50:26.639
whereas I tried to cope with my anxiety about striving

764
00:50:26.639 --> 00:50:29.639
to measure up, I knew others who tended toward doubt

765
00:50:29.679 --> 00:50:34.920
and despair because they recognized they couldn't measure up versus.

766
00:50:34.920 --> 00:50:37.599
Like Mark three twenty nine, whoever blasphingings against the Holy

767
00:50:37.639 --> 00:50:41.440
Spirit never has forgiveness perpetually haunted them as blasphemous and

768
00:50:41.480 --> 00:50:45.880
trusive thoughts relentlessly circulated through their minds? Do you have?

769
00:50:46.800 --> 00:50:49.800
And I see to me, this is all the way

770
00:50:49.800 --> 00:50:54.559
I've always coped with it. Come on, everyone out there. Now,

771
00:50:54.599 --> 00:50:56.880
maybe this is my own way, and you may disagree

772
00:50:56.880 --> 00:50:59.360
with me, but I think if you put you take

773
00:50:59.360 --> 00:51:04.280
away all religious garb, all of our religious external garbage,

774
00:51:04.360 --> 00:51:08.920
all of our fig leaves. Come on, everyone out there.

775
00:51:09.159 --> 00:51:12.480
You got some thoughts and you got some desires that

776
00:51:12.519 --> 00:51:16.320
nobody may even know about, and you know they're sinful. See.

777
00:51:16.360 --> 00:51:21.760
I think everyone has sinful, blasphemous thoughts. I think everyone does. Now.

778
00:51:21.800 --> 00:51:26.159
Maybe that's me over me, over compensating, or me trying

779
00:51:26.159 --> 00:51:31.679
to justify my own sinful reality, But come on, everyone does,

780
00:51:31.760 --> 00:51:34.079
I think everybody, Because we have a sinful nature. Where

781
00:51:34.079 --> 00:51:40.360
does all external sin arises from? What's in all sin? Everything?

782
00:51:40.400 --> 00:51:43.559
Everything external comes from in. It's all the garb. It's

783
00:51:43.599 --> 00:51:48.880
not garbage and garbage out. The garbage is already in okay,

784
00:51:49.119 --> 00:51:51.519
the garbage out as a reflect. Nobody has to put

785
00:51:51.559 --> 00:51:54.239
the garbage in. We're born with the garbage in, so

786
00:51:54.360 --> 00:51:57.920
our minds. Maybe maybe they're not as intrusive to you

787
00:51:58.039 --> 00:52:02.239
as maybe they are to me, But the intrusive they've

788
00:52:02.239 --> 00:52:09.920
been that way forever. Now, maybe those with scrupulosity are

789
00:52:10.000 --> 00:52:12.840
far more bothered by them and aware of them were

790
00:52:12.880 --> 00:52:15.519
Others just kind of like okay and just move on,

791
00:52:15.599 --> 00:52:18.199
and they don't give it much thought. Where the person

792
00:52:18.239 --> 00:52:20.360
who has scrupulosity, they're gonna be like, oh wait, I

793
00:52:20.440 --> 00:52:23.800
have that thought. Oh no, okay, okay, I'm gonna at

794
00:52:23.880 --> 00:52:26.360
least for me, I'm gonna broadcast five hours today to

795
00:52:26.480 --> 00:52:32.599
make up for that thought. Well that's now, I'm not

796
00:52:32.960 --> 00:52:35.199
now pleading. Some of you are gonna go back, and

797
00:52:35.199 --> 00:52:37.119
now you're gonna go through. This is what some of

798
00:52:37.119 --> 00:52:39.199
you are doing right now. You can stop it. Some

799
00:52:39.280 --> 00:52:43.079
of you are going through right now, going oh look, look, look, hey, kids,

800
00:52:43.119 --> 00:52:46.239
come look. He broadcasted for five hours that day. He

801
00:52:46.320 --> 00:52:49.199
obviously was struggling with some sin on that day. It

802
00:52:49.280 --> 00:52:52.360
doesn't always work out that way, okay, So don't sit

803
00:52:52.440 --> 00:52:54.480
there trying to figure out which days I was struggling

804
00:52:54.480 --> 00:52:57.400
with it sometimes. Look, I know this is hard to believe.

805
00:52:57.559 --> 00:53:00.239
Sometimes I broadcast for five hours because I want to

806
00:53:00.320 --> 00:53:02.480
and I love to. There's very much a part of

807
00:53:02.480 --> 00:53:04.519
that as well, all right. I'm just trying to be

808
00:53:04.639 --> 00:53:08.000
honest with the times where the scrupulosity I think is

809
00:53:08.079 --> 00:53:13.280
kicking in. I think there's a mixture. I mean, I

810
00:53:13.280 --> 00:53:16.360
hope you can hear how much I also love doing

811
00:53:16.400 --> 00:53:18.960
this as well. All right, there's times where I feel

812
00:53:19.000 --> 00:53:26.440
like there can be different motivations. When scrupulosity affected me most,

813
00:53:26.519 --> 00:53:29.000
it was actually harmful to receive praise for my devotion

814
00:53:29.119 --> 00:53:32.440
and example. I depended on that praise, but it only

815
00:53:32.679 --> 00:53:35.199
poured more fuel on the fire of my scrupulosity. It

816
00:53:35.199 --> 00:53:37.559
made me feel trapped, like if I didn't keep up

817
00:53:37.599 --> 00:53:40.280
my spiritual disciplines and service, I wouldn't be this super

818
00:53:40.320 --> 00:53:44.199
Christian anymore. And that had become my identity. Oh man,

819
00:53:44.400 --> 00:53:48.199
that became my identity in some ways, I feed I

820
00:53:48.360 --> 00:53:51.559
fed on that. How well I knew the scriptures? How much?

821
00:53:51.760 --> 00:53:54.360
Oh how do you do all of these broadcasts and

822
00:53:54.480 --> 00:53:58.320
go to school? How many degrees do you have in theology? Wow?

823
00:53:58.440 --> 00:54:01.599
How do you do this? How? Wow? That sermon was

824
00:54:01.679 --> 00:54:05.440
so good because it became my identity was yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

825
00:54:05.480 --> 00:54:09.800
My identity is I'm super Christian. Now now, deep down

826
00:54:09.840 --> 00:54:12.639
I know I'm not. I'm a sinner, but I say

827
00:54:12.639 --> 00:54:15.480
I've got to do so in some ways I need it.

828
00:54:15.480 --> 00:54:20.159
It made me need the positive feedback. But then I

829
00:54:20.199 --> 00:54:24.599
felt trapped, and I have felt trapped sometimes. I think

830
00:54:24.599 --> 00:54:28.239
that sometimes have led to me struggling with the podcast.

831
00:54:28.400 --> 00:54:31.559
There's times I feel trapped, Well, this is my identity,

832
00:54:31.960 --> 00:54:34.639
My Christian life is the podcast. What if I lose

833
00:54:34.679 --> 00:54:38.480
the podcast? Am I even a Christian anymore? Because then

834
00:54:38.559 --> 00:54:41.440
what do I do with my obsession over my sin?

835
00:54:41.639 --> 00:54:43.800
I don't have the compulsion, I don't have the outlet.

836
00:54:45.599 --> 00:54:49.639
There's times I felt utterly handcuffed to this microphone and

837
00:54:49.679 --> 00:54:52.920
this computer, like I am trapped. I will I'm in

838
00:54:53.039 --> 00:54:56.599
hell and I can't get out because I have to

839
00:54:56.639 --> 00:55:00.440
do this. My entire spiritual identity is attached to this.

840
00:55:00.800 --> 00:55:05.039
There's no way out because where else am I going

841
00:55:05.119 --> 00:55:07.480
to get any any praise? Where else am I going

842
00:55:07.559 --> 00:55:28.920
to get any anything? I'm skipping a lot of this.

843
00:55:31.960 --> 00:55:37.280
The Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation c c F offers

844
00:55:37.639 --> 00:55:43.599
helpful resources on scrupulosity and OCD and the CCF affiliated

845
00:55:43.599 --> 00:55:46.639
Biblical counseling centers can be monumental in helping a person

846
00:55:46.719 --> 00:55:50.480
understand his brain, learn effective tools for calming his anxiety,

847
00:55:50.519 --> 00:55:59.400
and find freedom from the tyranny of compulsions. It ends

848
00:55:59.480 --> 00:56:05.199
with this. The moral of the story is the outwardly pious,

849
00:56:06.039 --> 00:56:11.719
content and joyful church member can be struggling just as

850
00:56:11.800 --> 00:56:16.800
much as the cynical, depressed and withdrawn. Let's pray for

851
00:56:16.880 --> 00:56:19.599
the Spirit's help to see our brothers and sisters who

852
00:56:19.639 --> 00:56:28.519
are suffering, even if they don't appear to be now.

853
00:56:28.599 --> 00:56:32.639
The article is entitled When Spiritual Disciplines took over My life?

854
00:56:32.880 --> 00:56:38.960
Understanding Religious Religious OCD I was published August the fourteenth

855
00:56:39.239 --> 00:56:44.639
by Christian Friends. You can find it Theology Central at

856
00:56:44.679 --> 00:56:49.639
the Gospel Coalition dorg. Please look it up. I skipped

857
00:56:50.159 --> 00:56:52.599
some parts there that you may want to read. I

858
00:56:52.599 --> 00:56:54.119
didn't read all of it, so I want you to

859
00:56:54.119 --> 00:56:56.599
go look at their article themselves. Want to make sure

860
00:56:56.639 --> 00:57:00.960
they get the credit for it. I have I put

861
00:57:01.000 --> 00:57:09.719
I labeled this part one. I may I may keep it,

862
00:57:10.440 --> 00:57:12.760
I may remove the part one, and then we'll just

863
00:57:12.840 --> 00:57:14.760
kind of see what the reaction is. And then if

864
00:57:14.800 --> 00:57:16.920
I do a part two instead, I'm making it a

865
00:57:16.920 --> 00:57:20.639
part two, I'll give it a different title. But there

866
00:57:20.800 --> 00:57:23.559
we didn't really get to the other the opposite. Look,

867
00:57:23.679 --> 00:57:28.440
there is scoop scrupulosity, right, the scrupulosity, and then the

868
00:57:28.599 --> 00:57:31.440
equal and opposite era would be the antinomianism and the

869
00:57:31.480 --> 00:57:33.599
moral laxity where you're just like, you just don't care,

870
00:57:33.719 --> 00:57:36.239
you just don't care about what you do. And we

871
00:57:36.280 --> 00:57:41.920
don't need scrupulosity. All right, we don't need that. And

872
00:57:42.239 --> 00:57:46.639
I'm finding a thing here, Yeah, scrupulosity. We don't need scrupulosity,

873
00:57:46.880 --> 00:57:52.360
and we don't need antiinomianism. We need a balance. We

874
00:57:52.400 --> 00:57:55.480
need a balance. So I don't know what the balance

875
00:57:55.599 --> 00:57:58.480
quite looks like. I think the balance has a little

876
00:57:58.480 --> 00:58:01.920
bit of scrupulosity there, that concern, that passion, that zill,

877
00:58:02.280 --> 00:58:07.719
that being sensitive, but there's also not moral laxity, but

878
00:58:07.800 --> 00:58:10.519
there is awesome. So I don't think moral laxity fits

879
00:58:10.559 --> 00:58:13.480
into the balance. I think a little bit of the scrupulosity,

880
00:58:13.599 --> 00:58:16.000
a little bit of that passion, zill and concern, but

881
00:58:16.119 --> 00:58:17.719
for the right reason. So we don't want to call

882
00:58:17.719 --> 00:58:20.880
it scrupulosity, but a passion and zillin concern because we

883
00:58:20.960 --> 00:58:25.719
love God, but also a calm and a laxity that

884
00:58:25.760 --> 00:58:29.599
we trust and relax in the imputed righteousness of Christ.

885
00:58:36.159 --> 00:58:44.719
I don't know what we call the balanced view, but

886
00:58:44.840 --> 00:58:53.079
we need it. Scrupulosity is a psychological disorder. It's an

887
00:58:53.079 --> 00:58:57.719
obsessive compulsive disorder. It's a subtype of an obsessive compulsive disorder.

888
00:58:58.840 --> 00:59:02.480
It's connected very much to OCD. It's a religious form

889
00:59:02.519 --> 00:59:08.920
of OCD. Now, one of the most difficult things of

890
00:59:08.960 --> 00:59:13.920
the Christian life has always been what's your what's your motivation?

891
00:59:14.239 --> 00:59:16.400
Why are you doing what you're doing? One of the

892
00:59:16.400 --> 00:59:20.000
most difficult things about Christianity is a very a never

893
00:59:20.239 --> 00:59:25.440
ending reality, a never ending awareness that God is just

894
00:59:25.480 --> 00:59:29.039
as concerned about the internal is he as the external.

895
00:59:31.039 --> 00:59:34.079
And that leads me to almost the point of insanity,

896
00:59:34.599 --> 00:59:37.559
because I know, no matter what I do externally, no

897
00:59:37.599 --> 00:59:40.519
matter what I do, no matter what I do externally,

898
00:59:40.960 --> 00:59:45.079
I know, deep down, I know, and I know, and

899
00:59:45.159 --> 00:59:46.760
I know, and I know and I know and I

900
00:59:46.840 --> 00:59:50.519
know and I know, and I know how flawed I

901
00:59:50.559 --> 00:59:57.119
am internally. So then I become My compulsion is then

902
00:59:57.199 --> 01:00:01.960
to make up for that by doing doing things, studying

903
01:00:02.000 --> 01:00:04.199
more than I feel trapped that I got to keep

904
01:00:04.199 --> 01:00:10.760
doing those things. Now, yeah, I can pat myself on

905
01:00:10.800 --> 01:00:12.880
the back of all the things I haven't done externally

906
01:00:13.039 --> 01:00:15.320
or you've abstained from this, you've abstained from this, you

907
01:00:15.360 --> 01:00:18.000
didn't do this, And I'm glad I didn't do that.

908
01:00:18.559 --> 01:00:24.880
But I'm very aware of what I am internally. Can

909
01:00:24.920 --> 01:00:30.760
you relate to a religious OCD. We got to free

910
01:00:30.800 --> 01:00:41.119
ourselves from that. We have to free ourselves. We can

911
01:00:41.159 --> 01:00:48.199
become so obsessed that our actions, even if we're true,

912
01:00:48.519 --> 01:00:51.599
you know, maybe to confess, we're doing so more simply

913
01:00:51.760 --> 01:00:54.320
for us. It's about us. It's not even about God.

914
01:00:54.360 --> 01:00:56.639
I'm confessing it not because I'm worried about God now

915
01:00:56.639 --> 01:01:00.360
because I'm worried about sin. It's because because I us,

916
01:01:00.599 --> 01:01:03.480
so my compulsion is to confess so that I make

917
01:01:03.559 --> 01:01:06.679
everything right for me. We don't even really worry about

918
01:01:06.679 --> 01:01:10.280
anybody else. We're only worried about ourselves. That that's oh,

919
01:01:10.400 --> 01:01:15.440
that's that's I think I can. Luther confessed and confessed

920
01:01:15.719 --> 01:01:21.000
and confessed and confessed and confessed and confessed because I

921
01:01:21.039 --> 01:01:28.039
think he clearly was suffering from scrupulosity. That doesn't mean

922
01:01:28.039 --> 01:01:30.960
we should never confess. I'm not saying that everything is

923
01:01:31.000 --> 01:01:48.800
really about the motivation for Our hope is in Christ.

924
01:01:49.000 --> 01:01:51.760
Our hope is in what he has done. Our hope

925
01:01:51.800 --> 01:01:55.280
is in his righteousness. Our hope is in his finished work.

926
01:01:56.000 --> 01:01:59.480
That's where we have to find peace. All right, I'll

927
01:01:59.519 --> 01:02:01.679
just call this scrupulosity. I won't give it a part

928
01:02:01.679 --> 01:02:06.960
one for now, and then we'll see reaction to Now, see,

929
01:02:07.039 --> 01:02:10.000
I could say that am I doing Do I want

930
01:02:10.000 --> 01:02:12.000
the reaction for the right reason. I don't, you know what.

931
01:02:12.039 --> 01:02:14.679
I'm not gonna worry about reaction. I'm just gonna leave

932
01:02:14.719 --> 01:02:17.559
this here, not even going to ask for feedback, not

933
01:02:17.599 --> 01:02:20.360
gonna worry about feedback. And what I'm going to do

934
01:02:20.760 --> 01:02:23.119
is then just determine how much I want to talk

935
01:02:23.159 --> 01:02:26.239
about this moving forward, and if you need to, we'll

936
01:02:26.239 --> 01:02:29.760
do more. I'll maybe turn it into a series. Well

937
01:02:29.760 --> 01:02:33.039
we'll figure this out. But scrupulosity is a real issue

938
01:02:33.760 --> 01:02:36.559
that no one talks about. But I have every church,

939
01:02:37.679 --> 01:02:43.880
every church, your family. I guarantee you there's people with scrupulosity.

940
01:02:44.039 --> 01:02:46.639
I guarantee you they have They maybe they don't have

941
01:02:46.679 --> 01:02:50.000
the full blown disorder. But they they, they, they are

942
01:02:50.000 --> 01:02:54.199
more operating from that way of thinking. And and there

943
01:02:54.320 --> 01:02:56.800
needs we need the balance. We don't want to go

944
01:02:56.840 --> 01:02:59.800
to moral laxity. We don't want scrupulosity. We want something

945
01:03:00.119 --> 01:03:03.920
what do we call the middle, the healthy, balanced Christian life,

946
01:03:04.400 --> 01:03:07.639
which few ever truly find it. I know I haven't,

947
01:03:07.679 --> 01:03:10.239
and I've been a Christian for a long time, and

948
01:03:10.320 --> 01:03:13.760
I've been trying to walk this spiritual journey with all

949
01:03:13.800 --> 01:03:17.599
its twist turns, ups and downs, with failures and successes

950
01:03:17.639 --> 01:03:20.559
and victories. And I've yet to find the balanced Christian life.

951
01:03:20.679 --> 01:03:23.599
If you figure it out, let me know. Thanks for listening, everyone,

952
01:03:23.599 --> 01:03:26.760
have a great day. God bless